Priorities are what we do. A large part of my work is centered around creating awareness around this issue with my clients. Often times there is a disconnect between what we feel are, or should be, our priorities and what we are actually spending our time on, aka prioritizing. Another part of priorities is the why behind what we are doing. Sometimes our actions are a means to something further, so simply stopping at the “what” would only give us half of the picture at best.
This is such a nuanced issue, we could go ever more detailed into what constitutes priorities and where they come from. But these two perspectives, the “what” and the “why,” should give us a great framework to build from and create some clarity on the subject.
Let’s start with an easy example. Going home and visiting your family you are excited because your historically unhealthy parents have been bragging about their recent commitment to healthy eating and dedication to an exercise program and personal trainer. When you arrive at the airport it’s all hugs and smiles, but on the way home they take you through the drive-thru at McDonalds and get milkshakes and french fries and act confused when you don’t want one. To take it one step further, when you finally get home there’s a half eaten chocolate cake on the counter.
Clearly, in this example, Mom and Dad are not acting in accordance with their stated priorities of being dedicated to a healthy diet and lifestyle. What gives? What we could be seeing is that because your theoretical parents want to maintain a relationship with you they are simply telling you the things they think you want to hear. Maybe their priority is maintaining a relationship with their loved ones and going out for snacks and having tasty sweets readily available at home are deeply ingrained behaviors that represent maintenance of relationships for them. While their actions are unhealthy, their priority is not to make themselves overweight and at risk for medical complications, it is to create their best representation of a quality home environment based upon their past experiences.
Let’s look at you. If someone asked you what the most important things in your life are and you said health, work, and family that would be a pretty standard answer. If we asked a few more questions about your day and we found out you skip breakfast in order to get to work early, you eat “healthy” snack bars mid-morning so you don’t have to stop working and have organic coffee by the gallon to prevent the late-afternoon crash before rushing out of the office to pick up the kids from school, late; and finally fixing them mac and cheese for dinner and getting them to bed so you can stay up on your laptop getting extra work done. I will say your priorities are different from your stated health, work and family.
In both of these examples there is a disconnect between between stated priorities, commitments and truth of action. This disconnect WILL create stress, because our “parents” and “ourselves” have stated health as a priority, but are obviously operating in a fashion that is not good for you nutritionally. Furthermore, you are sacrificing your health AND your family’s health to focus on work instead of your stated priorities of health and fitness.
This is where alignment comes into play. If your priority is your children/family life or work, it is important to recognize that. There is nothing wrong with not having fitness and health be the #1 driving force in your life, or having your children be your sole motivation for your every waking action. We are self-motivated individuals and accepting our own motivations and priorities without judgment is the first step in getting aligned.
To clarify, you shouldn’t feel good about being an absentee parent, or choking down sugary soft drinks with your loved ones as a bonding mechanism. What your parents should focus on is that they want a quality family life and eating healthy and exercising will give them more quality years of life, literally, to spend with their loved ones. You should focus on eating healthy and preparing quality meals for yourself and your children because this will give you more energy to devote to your work and help your kids stay more focused and even tempered.
When you know your priorities and can align your actions towards them, you will eliminate the stress of a disjointed lifestyle. Unfortunately we don’t always have all the answers, hence the example of “you” eating a health food bar as a late breakfast. You might truly believe this is healthy, despite the fact the bar is loaded with refined sugar and who knows what else. A great example of this is a meal replacement beverage that has gained some popularity in the past several years. I won’t name it specifically, but in the hopes of devoting more time to work several of my clients have made themselves quite sick trying to replace their meals with this supposedly nutrient dense replicant. If we aren’t possessed with all the facts we might commit ourselves to detrimental behavior in the belief we are doing ourselves some other form of benefit. This is fine, and at some times unavoidable. Simply be open to new ideas and willing to make adjustments and you won’t get stuck on any downward spirals.
To get started on ironing out your priorities I recommend getting a pen and paper and writing out a few lists. Start with where you consider to be your personal space and listing which items are in those spaces. Next outline a typical 24 hour day. Where are you most organized? Where do you feel most alive? Take these 4 categories and group any similar words, the most repeated items will be what your priorities truly are. This initial recognition of your priorities is powerful and can serve as a great starting point when you are ready to align your life.
Recognition of our actions and how they relate to our stated goals are powerful. Our actions shine light on where our true priorities lie and education around this can help us more accurately align our lifestyle towards our true priorities. Understanding our priorities will provide purpose and confidence in your daily endeavors and also avoid the pitfalls of following detrimental behaviors in the hopes of hacking the system or creating shortcuts. When your priorities are truly aligned with your actions you can and will walk through fire to achieve your goals.
